View Full Version : For Iggy

02-01-2010, 07:34 PM
...and anybody else who is tired of the Canadian winter:
PS...I think MA is at day one and 2!

The Diary of a Snow Shoveler
December 8
6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14
Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!

The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way.

December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer.

The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for one hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.

Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Darn snowplow came by twice.

Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to poop. By the time I got undressed, pooped and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk is lying.

December 23
Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24
6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the man who drives that snowplow I'll drag him through the snow by his nose and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been!

Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the snowplow.

December 25
Merry -bleeping- Christmas! 20 more inches of the slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26
Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE WITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver he is now suing me for a million dollars not only the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up where the sun don't shine. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

02-01-2010, 08:02 PM

Sounds about right:D

02-01-2010, 10:24 PM
Hahahahaha...:laughing::laughing::laughing::laughi ng:

Love that one! Thanks for the smile!

02-02-2010, 05:26 AM
I received this on along a similar vein, I hope I have sanitised it sufficiently:)

August 31 - Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home
in Adelaide, South Australia. Now this is a town that knows how to
live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the
sunset from a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've
finally found my new home. I love it here.

September 13 - Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem
though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car.
What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a

September 30th - Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants
today. Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me. Another
scorcher today, but I love it here.

October 10th - The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do
people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windy though.
Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatizing is taking longer than I

October 15th - Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns
over 60% of my body. Missed three days of work. What a dumb thing to do!
Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

October 20th - Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car
before I left for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car
after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag
and stuck to the upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat
****. I've earned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.

October 25 - This wind is a *******. It feels like a giant f#@&! blow
dryer. And it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink
and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs
to order parts from f#@&! Perth....

October 30th - The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still
haven't arrived for the f#@&! aircon. Been sleeping outside by the
pool for three nights now. Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go
inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?

November 4 - Finally got the ol' aircon fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets
the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it
feel about 30. Stupid repairman.

November 8 - If one more smart arse says 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm
going to f#@&! throttle him. f#@&! heat! By the time I get to work,
the car's radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking f#@&! wet
and I smell like baked cat!

November 9 Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on
the black leather upholstery in the ol' car. I thought my f#@&! arse
was on fire. I lost two layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my
legs and my f#@&! arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse
and baked cat!

November 10 - Weather report! It might as well be a f#@&! recording.
Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and f#@&! sunny! It's been too hot
to do anything for two f#@&! months and the weatherman says it might
really warm up next week.

November 15 - Doesn't it ever rain in this damn f#@&! place? Water
restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up
and blow into the f#@&! pool. The only things that thrive in this
hell-hole are the f#@&! flies. You don't dare open your mouth for fear
of swallowing half a dozen of the ****ers!

November 20th - Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 f#@&! degrees today. Now
the air conditioner's gone in my car.. The repair man came to fix it and
said, 'Hot enough for you today?' I had to spend the $2,500 mortgage
payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid ****er. f#@&!
Adelaide! What kind of sick, demented f#@&! idiot would want to live

December 1 -
The first day of Summer!!!!
You are f#@&! kidding!

02-02-2010, 06:18 AM
lol very funny, both of you.