I'll have to agree with Travis I think on this one, but then I'm not a great one to ask about photos that no longer look photographic but more graphic. I'm very select on this.

Having said that though I love the creativity and understand what you are trying to do here.

For me, I'd want to see some more in focus areas .... amp perhaps ... hat ... something. And the colours would have to be less transparent.

I'm wondering if the look you are going for could be achieved with a 2nd Sync flash and about a half or full sec exposure?